by Kit Elmer
God has had me on a journey of desire. He reminded me recently of the story of Bartimaeus. He is a blind man begging along the streets of Jericho. When Jesus comes along he shouts “Jesus son of David have mercy on me!” Everyone is telling him to be quiet and not bother Jesus but Jesus stops and comes to him and says “What do you want me to do for you?” What a great question. This question strips away pretense and any superficiality and leads to vulnerability. Have you asked yourself what you want God to do for you? What is your deepest desire? What do you think God has made you for? What is the truest thing about you? When was the last time you felt your longing-a longing for more of God, for more love, for more of a life filled with peace despite your circumstance?
I have often thought that the truest things about me are my hurts or my wounds, my history, or the roles I play, or my relationships, but the truest thing about me is my desire for more of God. Desire is at the heart of our spiritual journey. We love God because he first loved us. Nothing in the spiritual life originates with us. It all originates from God. Our longings are often buried beneath busyness, the noise and the activity of life. How do we get in touch with these longings? The ones he has given us. We need to allow time to be in God’s presence, to quiet and to hear God asking us as he asked Bartimaeus “what do you want me to do for you?”
It has been a challenging season with key relationships in my life. In the quiet with God I have been listening as I sense Him asking me that very question-“What do you want me to do for you right now in your life? Here is what I believe what God is teaching me in terms of my desires.
Relationships, especially those closest to me, have always been defining for me. In fact, for a long time at the beginning of the day or at the end I would reflect on how my relationships were doing. If they were good, I was good. I have come to understand that my childhood was filled with issues of abandonment and so I can cling and grasp for assurance that my relationships are stable and predictable. Over time, and especially lately, God has been teaching me in profound ways how misguided that was. Not that my relationships aren’t precious, they are in fact beautiful gifts from God, but that they can’t and shouldn’t define me or my security. All human relationships will wax and wane and my emotional well being will be a roller coaster if that defines me. He has been allowing me to see that my relationship with Him is my only source of well-being and security.
One morning as I listened I sensed this in my spirit:
Take a deep breath. Feel yourself rising above the circumstances, leaning on Me. Look into My face, see My great love and trust Me with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. Take every thought captive in obedience to Me. I know how your heart hurts and I already have the solution. Trust Me. Be patient.
And he has lifted me up… And is giving me a sense of well-being despite the circumstances. It has been amazing. For me, my desire for more of God has come alive in nature, and beauty, I find my heart deeply blessed by his love as I watch the birds in the morning around my feeder, notice the butterflies in my garden, pay attention to the flowers along the forest path. One day I was walking by this huge butterfly bush in my back yard and I was taken aback to see what looked like a tiny hummingbird…maybe an inch long. I was mesmorized by the beauty. I allowed my soul to just take it in. This was delightful but it was more than that. Have any of you taken a young child on a walk or a hike? They see everything with new eyes. The reality that has become dull to us is fully alive to them. Look a bird, a pine cone, a leaf, then moon…they are enraptured. Is this part of what Jesus means when he invites us to come to Him as little children? To be awakened to the divine all around us? Thomas Merton says “we are living in a world that is absolutely transparent and the divine is shining through all the time”. I especially experience that these days!
Larry Crabb writes in Shattered Dreams, “there’s never a moment in all our lives, from the day we trusted Christ till the day we see him, when God is not longing to bless us. At every moment, in every circumstance, God is doing us good. He never stops. It gives him too much pleasure. God is not waiting to bless us until after our troubles end. He is blessing us right now, in and through those difficulties. At this exact moment, he is giving us what he thinks is good.” Knowing this is been a gift beyond gift for me during the season.
Larry Crabb also writes this in Shattered Dreams “The best dream we could ever dream, a wish that if granted would make us happier than any other blessing, is to know God, to actually experience him. The problem is that we don’t believe this is true. We have assented it to our heads. But we don’t feel it in our hearts.”
Friends, accept God’s invitation to come away with Him for a while and listen with your heart to what He wants to tell you.